Your Blog Sucks

At least this guy was cool enough to think of this in 2004, or possibly 2003.

Every asshole has a blog these days, and each blog sucks more than the next. I'm pretty sure that my blog sucks most of all, and if you judge the validity of a blog by the number of posts than the one post I did in 2010 should be obvious evidence of my suckiness. It also took me a year and a half to discover how many views I have, fifty. However, that does include my own personal views so it's probably more like twenty-five. Yes, I am getting an F, F+ tops, in blog quality, and I never even got an email from someone who was looking for information about private bathrooms. I figured those emails would be flooding my inbox. Below is a cartoon representation of my blog.



Basically, I'm not even sure why I started this stupid blog. I think it was designed to make me feel better about myself, and I'm lost on why I fell for my own stupid logic. Of all the logic in the world mine is definitely the worst, anyone who has talked to me for at least five seconds will tell you that. The truth is that I'm a sub par writer, I know nothing of logic, and would have a hard time generating interest in a rickshaw fire. Immanuel Kant would turn over in his grave if he heard my explanation of where the Sublime lies.

For those of you not keeping up this is Immanuel Kant



And this is Sublime



Every day someone starts a terrible blog filled with their terrible ideas and bad writing. Everyone has a story, but probably only 1% of those stories are worth hearing. Why are there vampires, zombies, aliens, and other obviously fictional things all over the place? These are completely fictitious creations and a hell of a lot more interesting than anything I, or anyone I know, has ever done.

Here's someone I know, sorry.



I obviously write this blog because I care. I want people to read it. I want the attention. I don't want to call myself an attention whore, but I can't think of a better way to finish that sentence. At this point I'm not sure why I started this post. I guess I would say I hate all the other blogs out there, but I've only ever read like one blog and it was pretty good. The fact of the matter is that the problem is not with the blog, but with the blogger. Why should the private bathroom suffer from having a bad owner? I am willing to hear offers from anyone who wants to purchase the private bathroom. If I can't sell it then the terribleness will have to continue. On the bright side, how bad can it be, I'm sure worse things have happened in a bathroom.

An Observation

One thing that really annoys me, and I'm probably guilty of this, is people who make stupid comments and then defend themselves by saying "I was trying to be clever," or "I was trying to be witty," or "I was trying to be ironic," and so on. How do you try to be clever? Aren't you just clever? In my opinion you are either clever or you're not, there is no trying to be clever. Therefore people who are not clever should not try to be clever. This would save them the embarrassment of failing and showing the world that they are unclever.

Writing this post means...

...I've done more blog posts in 2011 than 2010. For the last two days I've been referring to last year as 2009, and it's not because I think it's still 2010 either. I think it's because I have lost all track of time and space. Though I look up and I see space, but I look around and I don't see a lot of space, but that all depends on where I am. I'm watching Sunshine Cleaning right now and the guy who is playing the used car salesman is the actor who played the father is Breaking Away, in that movie he was played used car salesman as well. I wonder if they cast him in this part because of that. I should look for his name, but really who cares, that would be more work than I am willing to do.

On Saturday I thought it would be a good idea to take a bath, and afterwards I realized that it was probably the worst idea I've ever had. I fill up the bathtub and get in, and, of course, right away I have to pee. I'm not about to pee in the tub and soak in my own urine for thirty minutes or so. So I get out, dry off, pee, and get back in. I'm already starting to get cold, and about a minute later I feel like I have to pee again. I just try and hold it. I kept my hands dry so I could read a book, but all I could think about was how cold I was getting, and that I had to pee. So I gave up and got out after about five minutes. Afterwards I was cold for like an hour. So it didn't even take me a day to break my New Year's resolution of no stupid ideas. I think I should change it to fewer stupid ideas, but even if I had one hundred stupid ideas it would still be fewer.

Playing a game that is not fun.

Every day I find myself playing games that are not fun. I don't play these games voluntarily, I just find myself playing them. Today I played the awful game of "what's that on the toilet seat?" This game is definitely not fun. In public I usually just go find another toilet because even if I pile up three hundred sheets of toilet paper I can't help but feel that the bizarre stain is still going to infect me (I'm pretty sure stains are not infectious). The game is even worse when you play it at home because if you don't live alone you have to not only play the what's that part, but the who did it part. My biggest fear is that it was me, though I always try to check to make sure I leave it spotless, I have a weird paranoia about things like that. The game is not always easy to play, today's thing was in a very odd spot. Other games that are not fun that I have played include: what's that on the floor, who made that noise, why do I sweat so much, where did this blood stain come from, what day is it, and, my least favorite, is that water or urine.

Flat Tire Blues

For awhile now my neck has been really tight and I've assumed that has been the cause of the headaches I've been getting lately. Well today I decided to do something about it. I made a 3:30 appointment to see my Naprapath, and being the gentleman that I am, made an appointment at 4 for my lovely girlfriend. So at 3 I head out to Orland Park for my appointment, his office is right by the mall. Just after I leave he calls me and asks if we could move our appointments to 4:00 and 4:30 and I say yes, as I said I'm a nice guy. So I arrive at 3:30 and decide to kill time at the mall. So about 3:50 I head back to my car and notice that my driver side rear tire is flat. Fuck.

Ironically enough I parked in between an NTB and the Sears auto center. So I get out my jack and tire iron and doughnut tire. I jack up the car and I try to get the lugnuts off. No luck. They won't budge, and the tire keeps spinning. I've changed flat tires before, though not on this car, but the problem is that I usually have no idea what I'm doing whenever I do anything. I can't get the lugnuts to budge and I then realize that I'm going to need some assistance. I don't want to leave the car unattended on the jack so I lower it and toss everything in the trunk and head across the parking lot to the NTB. I was planning to take my car there since I purchased my tires from the NTB in Crestwood two years ago. However, they don't sell anything I could use. The guy actually told me to go to Sears. So I did. I walked across the parking lot and into Sears. I explain my situation and tell the guy what I need. He sells me some stuff and tells me that after I change the tire to just drive it right into the service center. So I am all alone on this one.

In case you are wondering about my appointment my girlfriend took my time and I'm trying to make it by 4:30. So I get back to my car and get all my shit out again. The good thing is the car next to me left so I have more room. I jack it up and spray the lugnuts. No luck. I then decide to resort to the book. Every car comes with a book and this book needs to stay in the car, anyone who takes it out is an idiot. I am also an idiot because I was supposed to loosen the lug nuts before I jack up the car. So I lower the car, and then I hear a car horn. I look to see a car trying to get my attention, they want to park in the empty spot. I ignore them. "Excuse me" I hear a woman say. I stand up. "Can I park here?" "I guess so, I'm trying to change my tire." "Oh I'm sorry." She rolls up her window and drives away. What the fuck? Wasn't it obvious, I didn't drop my keys or something.

So the car is on the ground, finally, and I spray the lugnuts some more, just in case. I then try to loosen them, and I am moving the entire car forward, which really throws me at first. Fuck it, I put all my strength into it and I finally ge one to budge. Repeat that three times and up goes the car again. After removing the tire I was really happy I didn't have a rag and my hoodie became my grease rag. Though most of it instantly bonded with my hand. I'm finishing putting the last lug nut on the doughnut when a guy walks up to me. "Need help?" he asks. "No, I've got it under control." "What happened?" I think, are you seriously asking this. What happened? What happened? What the fuck do you think happened. "I drove over a nail or a screw," which is what I did. "Oh flat tire, that sucks." Then he walked away.

So I am super paranoid about driving on a doughnut but I do, and was successful. I took it to Sears, hey the guy from NTB told me to. Luckily they were able to repair it and I didn't need a new tire. I told them to call me when it was ready and I took off for my appointment, which was right across the parking lot, but in a different direction. I was late, but the doctor didn't have anyone scheduled right after me.

Movie Preview: King of California

So here's my first movie preview and its on the movie King of California starring Michael Douglas and he has a beard. I had never heard of this film so I looked it up and saw the movie poster which feature some girl, Michael Douglas, and a beard. I feel that this is a movie that should be seen and I base that on a mathematical equation: Michael Douglas + Beard = a movie worth seeing. Michael Douglas does better when he doesn't look like Michael Douglas. All his best films: Romancing the Stone, Falling Down, Wall Street, Wonder Boys, he has some kind of weird hair cut, or long hair, or a beard. To me that means that King of California will follow in those footsteps. I have no idea what the plot is but I think its about a man who has a beard and that beard takes him on some kind of voyage where he discovers that his beard is the secret to living a successful life and he should keep it forever. So go see King of California, its approved for my private bathroom.

Here We Go Again

I have been away for far too long, and I will try my hardest not to do that again, but I make no promises. The problem is I'm not good at prioritizing. Ever since I've been off of work I can't seem shit together. In reality I have plenty of time, but I feel like I'm always rushing to get shit done. I can't get my work done and I'm having a hard time fitting in any creative outlets. Well I hope all of that is going to change. I'm trying to change, but change is hard. I've made some decisions and I'll have to try to stick with them. There's some weird bug on the wall and I'm wondering if i should ignore it. I turned away and now its gone. I hope it doesn't end up in my coffee. Anyway, I really have no idea what the fuck I am talking about and I'm really just posting because I feel like I should. Maybe I'll post for real later. So, is a blog a creative outlet?

Diablo Cody, the chick who wrote Juno, writes this movie Juno and I thought it was pretty good. She was a blogger, and a stripper (though I wonder who was paying for a lap dance from her), and I guess she wrote a book. So she writes Juno and it gets made and she wins the fucking Academy Award. Her follow up was that movie Jennifer's Body that just came out, and I didn't see it. Why? Because it looked like a flaming pile of shit. They gave this chick the Academy Award! I think the success of Juno belongs to the director, Jason Reitman, and star, Ellen Page. I decided to do some research and see what has happened to other Academy Award winning writers.

1994 was a good year for writers. Eric Roth won the adapted screenplay award for Forrest Gump. He went on to write The Insider, Ali, Munich, and Benjamin Button, but he also wrote The Postman and Lucky You. The original screenplay award went to Quentin Tarantino and Roger Avary for Pulp Fiction. Akiva Goldsman won for writing A Beautiful Mind, a movie I've never seen, and he has a very mixed resume. One film that he wrote that I love is Cinderella Man, but beyond that he wrote The Client, A Time to Kill, Batman Forever, Batman and Robin, Lost in Space, Practical Magic, I, Robot, I am Legend, The Da Vinci Code, and Angels & Demons. Is he a good writer? Well he does have way more credits than I could dream of. Also, has anyone seen Body of Lies because Academy Award winner William Monahan, won for The Departed, wrote it and I did want to see it. Is it any good? In the same year Michael Arndt won the Original Screenplay award for Little Miss Sunshine and his follow up movie is yet to come out, and its Toy Story 3.

I really should go over the follow up movies for all the people I just listed. Eric Roth won for Forrest Gump and his next film was The Postman. Quentin Tarantino won for Pulp Fiction and his next film, as a writer, was From Dusk Til Dawn. Roger Avary won for Pulp Fiction and his next film The Rules of Attraction. Akiva Goldsman won for A Beautiful Mind and his next film was I, Robot. I already discussed Monahan and Arndt. I have seen all of these films, except Body of Lies and Toy Story 3 obviously, and only liked one of them, though I, Robot had its moments. So I guess winning an Oscar isn't necessarily a good thing. It adds a lot of pressure. Also sometimes your best work will never get recognized. Paul Schrader wrote American Gigolo, Raging Bull, and Taxi Driver and he never even got a nomination.

Well that's my Oscar rant for today. I hope it made some sense. I'm not really sure what I am talking about anymore.