That's right ladies and gentlemen everybody poops, but no one wants to know about it. We all fear the skid marks, the brown sparks, and the green apple splatters, but do we ever stop to think about how our bowels affect our social status. This is really a problem for men because girls just don't fart. I'm not even sure they move their bowels the natural way. I feel there is a secret conspiracy where women have learned to evacuate their bowels in the form of condescension. Ever hang out with a girl and after a few hours she gets really condescending for about three minutes or so, and then goes to the bathroom for thirty seconds. Then says every thing's fine. Pooping. The problem many guys have to overcome is stopping the fart. Farts cause problems. I mean if you fart on a first date you've basically doomed the relationship before you have to reveal that you're living in your parents' basement. In fact, Jimmy Milktoast was kicked in the nuts by a girl seven times for sliding out a SBV fart at a Bennigans. I'm pretty sure that's the cause of all those Bennigans closing down.
On the other hand, if you get away with letting a stink bomb slip, and the date actually goes well you have to worry about the situation down there. God forbid you brought the brown sparks and are wearing some tighty whities. I'm pretty sure it's not only a turn off to see a brown line in your underwear that shows exactly where your asscrack is, but also a deal breaker. I specifically try to wear dark underwear just in case. Also, I've often worried about jeans and other types of pants housing the fart. How exactly does it vent through? How bad could it be to open up your fly and release the stank of a fart from three hours earlier. It's like sour milk, we know it's sour, but we always have to open it up and smell it. In a way we are a society of sadists.
So what are we going to do about our horrible functions. I know if my bowels haven't moved I can't go out. I need to get right in the shower afterward to shoot hot water up there for about twenty or thirty minutes. You can never be too careful. Some people try to say eating healthier is the answer, but hang out with someone thirty minutes after they down a bunch of broccoli, and see if you haven't pulled your shirt up over your nose and mouth. I feel the real reason people get married is so they can fart in from of each other. Hang out with a couple that's been married for over twenty years, they produce so much gas living with them is a form of capital punishment.
Everyone is so uptight. We all need to relax, and let our gases slide out, opposed to clenching and tightening until they explode in a fit of rage. I have no good way to end this so here's Gary Busey.
