Sorry I have been away for so long. I know you've all been drooling over your keyboards waiting for my next deposit in the private bathroom. I've been out there in the trenches, getting my hands dirty, getting my feet dirty, and even getting my mind dirty studying our beautiful country and what I have determined is a society of winners. Yes, maybe Charlie Sheen (is he still relevant?) is right and winning is the most important thing. Think about it, everyone is a winner and we winners surround ourselves with losers in order to feel better. Look at it this way, when your favorite sports team wins you say "We Win!" However, when that team loses you say "They Lost!" That's right they lost and we won, always a winner. Anyone can go out and buy a shirt or a coffee mug that says "World's Greatest Dad," just check out this guy.
He's a winner, just read his shirt. He's the World's Greatest Dad even though he pleaded guilty to child sex abuse. Who cares though read the shirt. World's Greatest Dad. I know you're Dad worked three jobs to put you through college so you could get a useless communications degree and smoke weed on the quad while you played ultimate Frisbee, but he didn't do enough to be the World's Greatest Dad.
There's even a show called The Biggest Loser, and winners watch this show to look at the losers on the show. When someone wins the show they become the biggest loser. Hold on one second, the winner is actually the loser?
It's obvious in this picture that the loser is on the left and the winner is on the right. The show turns losers into winners because that is what we want. On a side note I always have to have ice cream when I watch this show. Think about it. We're all proud, but of what? Should I be proud of my bowel obstruction or my massive debt or my back hair. Should I be offended that my nickname in 5th grade was Harry Manback. No. I was Harry Manback and I was a winner because I wore sweatshirts all the time and hung out with Unibrow and Club Foot. They were the losers, I was the winner.
I even found love, obviously. Everyone says they are looking for love or happiness, but what is the number one motivator. Spite. People only do things to one up someone else, or to look better than other people. No one goes to a school reunion to catch up with old friends, we go to rub our awesome lives in every ones' faces. So I say the time to win is now. The time to live is now. Get out there with your stretch pants and your chest hair and start winning. Don't let life pass you by. If you don't get out there and win you'll just have to stay in here and lose.
Now I want you to comment on this blog and pass it along, share it on facebook or twitter. If you don't the band Orleans will come after you.
